🎙️ Podcast Link 🎙️
This meeting is driving me INSANE 😡🤯
I regularly take requests for my #HackingAcademia series: today’s request was one of many about how to deal with meetings where you’re frustrated beyond belief, and want to tear your hair out.
As someone who was driven nuts by this for much of my early career, but less often now, I have no easy solutions. I can however contribute a bunch of different perspectives that might help a little, as they did for me, when those wiser than me shared them.
These include:
✅ validating that many people feel this way regularly: it’s a very normal feeling of frustration
🧩 the meeting organizer / runner may well not have wanted the gig in the first place, or felt like they’re not capable: they’ve nevertheless offered to step up when asked: this is a distinct and frequent occurrence that won’t always be obvious to you as attendee
💬 if the organizer is doing a noticeably horrendous job (goes for anything, not just meetings): they could just be having a really bad day: check that they’re OK!
🔄 the shoe has been on the other foot at some stage: whilst you’ll be aware of others getting frustrated in some of the meetings you’ve run, I can guarantee there are other occasions where you didn’t pick up on the frustration
🧠 sanity preserving tip: whilst it’s tempting (and true to some extent) to directly equate the 2 hours you spent in a meeting as wasted time you could have used to do other important things, if you do this too often and too much you’ll go insane. Check out a little bit mentally!
⚖️ whilst in theory being surrounded by super colleagues who are amazing and much better than you at everything sounds nice, it’s also overwhelming, and often demoralizing – how can you contribute? So when someone isn’t that good at something, remind yourself it’s an inevitable byproduct of being somewhere where you can provide real value and contribution.
📢 provide tactful and polite feedback and suggestions to improve processes, but don’t break yourself, especially as an early career individual, to completely transform an organization’s entire process culture overnight (unless you’re in the executive!)
🎯 meeting frustration is partly a byproduct of the perspective and role you bring to a meeting: senior mentors and leaders are often more likely to see fumbled meetings and missteps as an essential development opportunity for the individual: learning often has a bit of “collateral damage” – you in the meeting – obviously getting the balance right is key.
🎈 for yourself, aim for “good enough” engagement rather than excelling, to depressurize the situation and lower your expectation bar
🗣️ once you’ve cooled off, talk to the more experienced meeting-goers for a second perspective!
#meetings #organization #frustration #stress #timemanagement #leadership #collegiality #communication #careeradvice
Full Video Notes
It’s an hour and a half into the meeting. It feels like it’s been a week. You are tearing your hair out with frustration. You feel like the moderator of the meeting has no idea what they’re doing – or perhaps is deliberately doing such a bad job to irritate you. You really have your paranoid suspicions by this time. You have 13 things you need to do that day, and instead you’re stuck in this meeting. You don’t just feel like you’re not getting anything done – you feel like you’re going backwards, because you know you’re going to be in a horrible mood for the rest of the day because of this stupid meeting.
This is the tear-your-hair-out meeting scenario that we all dread but face regularly in our lives. In today’s Hacking Academia video, I’m going to make a few points that will not solve the situation, but may give a little bit more perspective on how to manage it, how to respond to it, and come out with at least some of your sanity intact.
The first few points are really all about perspective – and gratitude to some extent. So the first thing to always remember is it’s quite possible no one wanted that job as convenor of the meeting, and some poor soul has volunteered to do the prep, step up, and run the meeting. Perhaps it’s in an area that they’re not familiar with. Try and combine that rising frustration with a bit of empathy or sympathy for someone who’s possibly stepped up to do a role they really didn’t want to do in the first place.
“Oh no, it’s completely different in this situation,” I hear you say. “This person is a bit of a control freak and they love running meetings and ruining it for everyone else.” Well, I’m sure that’s not true all of the time – but even when it is true, it’s possible they’re just having a really bad day. Even the most competent of organizers have bad days. If this is a person who’s punching above their weight and combining that with a really rough patch, you’re going to have a horrible meeting. Maybe ask them how they’re going. Check that they’re okay. You never know what they’ve been through behind the scenes.
Another piece of perspective is that at some stage, almost certainly in your career, there have been people sitting around you incredibly frustrated with how you were running the meeting. Some of these occasions, I’m sure you remember well – because you were very aware you were doing a horrible job. Perhaps you were doing it for the first time. But there would have also been times where you were blissfully unaware that people in the room were really irritated. So although the current runner of the meeting you’re stuck in is receiving all of your projected frustration – remember that the shoe has probably been on the other foot at some stage in your career, possibly even earlier that week.
Early on in your career, when the pressure is really on and there are a certain number of specific things you’re trying to get done, one of the understandable traps you can fall into is to constantly compare what you’re doing – or feel like you’re wasting time doing – in the meeting against all the concrete activities you think you should be doing instead. To a certain extent, it is fair to say that if you waste an hour in a meeting, you’re removing an hour of opportunity to do those critical things. I don’t think that’s untrue.
But my sanity-preserving suggestion here is this – if you’re always explicitly thinking about the things you should be doing instead of the frustrating activity you’re stuck in, you will go insane very quickly. At some point, it’s better to check out a little bit. Because if you’re thinking every 30 seconds during a two-hour meeting about what you could be doing instead, you’ll just go crazy.
When someone is running a meeting – or doing anything around you – and completely botching it despite trying their best, one thing I always remind people is this: while it might be nice in theory to work in an environment where everyone is incredibly competent at everything and perhaps better than you are – that environment is not always great long term. It’s exhausting. You feel like you suck at everything. So the flip side of being frustrated with someone else not doing a job very well is that you’re in an environment where you’re actually quite competitive. You have value to offer. You may not be showing it right now – because you’re not running the meeting – but you’re in the right place.
“That sounds very defeatist, Michael. You should be suggesting ways to improve the system.” By all means, take notes of major inefficiencies or suboptimalities in the meeting process. But just keep in mind – designing meaningful change in meeting culture is hard. Pick your battles. You have finite energy. And make sure you’re subtle and tactful in how you suggest improvements. You might be pleasantly surprised by your ability to improve things. But you won’t go from zero to perfection overnight – and trying to do that will only break you.
One interesting side effect of these frustrating meetings is this – you start noticing others around you who seem calm and unbothered, even people you greatly respect. That can add to your frustration. You might think, “Am I the only sane person here?” But remember – your ability to tolerate these sorts of meetings often depends on your vantage point. A senior person in the room might be watching a junior staff member fumble through the meeting, and they’re fine with that – because they see it as part of the learning process.
There’s always some collateral damage in learning – especially when it involves other people. And yes, leaders have to manage that carefully. But the reason some senior people are more tolerant of inefficiencies in meetings is because they’re watching learning unfold – not because they’re oblivious to it.
Another trap that high performers – especially early in their careers – often fall into is thinking they must be operating at 110% all the time. You can’t do that. Not every meeting requires your highest level of performance. One way to diffuse your frustration is to set a more modest goal for the meeting. Aim to stay vaguely aware of what’s going on. Be ready to contribute something useful if needed. But don’t try to drive every single part of the meeting if it’s not set up to let you do that. If you’re feeling ignored by a chaotic convenor, lower the bar. That can reduce frustration.
It might not feel like a great use of your time – but if the alternative is snapping and saying something you’ll regret, it’s the better option.
There’s a lot written about whether meetings are necessary or not. Some meetings are inevitable. Many workplaces probably have more meetings than necessary. But learning how not to break down completely in the ones that are inevitable is a regrettable but useful professional skill.
Of course, you don’t want to get too good at tolerating them. You should still feel annoyed if your time is being wasted. But finding the right balance – where you can remain calm and act professionally – is important for a stable career.
Finally, if you’re frustrated by how unbothered others seem in the meeting, one thing you can do is follow up with someone you trust afterward. Ask them what they thought. Sometimes they’ll offer a perspective you hadn’t considered. Maybe the meeting was painful – but had more value than was immediately obvious. Maybe not. Either way, talking about it can help you calibrate and stay sane.